


Pack of Camels and a Goodbye

by Pilferingstarlight



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Addiction, Angst, Celebrity!Dan, M/M, Non-Youtuber Phil, Romance, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-06
Updated: 2016-11-06
Packaged: 2018-08-29 08:21:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8482366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pilferingstarlight/pseuds/Pilferingstarlight
Summary: The love had never really been there, and the passion was dying slowly. Over the years, what started out as a long, heartfelt explanation had dwindled down to a few clumsy words and a deep unspoken understanding. 
And still, Dan thought about Phil every day.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hi friends! I wrote this as a warm up before I embarked on the dreadful terror that is NaNoWriMo (national novel writing month) since I haven't been writing very much. 
> 
> As always thanks for reading, hope you enjoy and good luck to any other writers out there doing NaNoWriMo!

They lay on the bed, exhausted and spent, the covers long pushed off and bunched around their ankles. Dan lay spread eagled, semen drying between his legs, aching for a cigarette. Phil used to keep a package in his bedside table. Dan used to keep a pack tucked into his shirt pocket. That was before the Youtube thing took off and Phil decided they should stop spending the weekend at his place. Dan lay quiet, rubbing the spot on his fingers that ached to have a cigarette in between them, waiting for Phil to say something. He didn't need to look at Phil to know exactly what he was doing. He was running his fingers through his dark hair, exhaling in extended puffs of air that filled his cheeks. Trying to steady his heartbeat. Dan didn’t say anything. Phil was always the first to speak. His reply came after another few minutes of haltering silence.  
“That was great.”  
“Mhm.”  
“But you know I don't… I mean I’m not…”  
“I know.” Dan perfectly understood what Phil was trying to say. Over the years, what started out as a long, heartfelt explanation had dwindled down to a few clumsy words and a deep unspoken understanding. Just friends. That’s all they were. Sex with no further romantic implications. That’s all this was. He brought his fingers to his mouth, tried to pretend he was smoking a cigarette. Why was it whenever he was with Phil his addiction reared it’s ugly head? During the long stretches of months when they weren’t together, Dan never even thought about smoking, though he thought about Phil a lot. But it was times like this, after all that was said and done, when his body craved the nicotine like a starving animal. The silence between them was only broken by the shifting of the sheets around their ankles and the monotonous rattle of the air conditioner shoved clumsily in the motel window.  
“So how are you? What have you been up to? I should have asked earlier but-”  
“It’s alright. It’s a little hard to reply to small talk when all you’re doing is being ass fucked.” His words came out just a little too harsh.  
“Hey now, what’s that supposed to mean?”  
“I think you know exactly what it means.”  
“Is there something you want to say to me?”  
Dan waited a long time before replying, blowing an imaginary smoke ring into the air above them. “I’m just saying it seems like lately you’ve been awfully keen on skipping the pleasantries and cutting right to the chase. What ever happened, Phil? We used to go out and do things. We used to go out and get drunk, or go on holiday together. What ever happened to that?”  
“Oh come on, Dan. You and I both know that we both only wanted one thing out of those holidays… And it’s not like you’re easy to get in touch with lately.” He trailed off. Dan wasn’t particularly stung by anything he said. In fact, both had been rolling variations of the conversation they were having in their head for so long, it hardly affected either of them. “You seeing anyone, Dan?”  
“You watch my videos, don’t you?”  
“Come on, as if you’d say in any of those. I mean, I don’t exactly make a huge appearance in them.”  
_You’re not a big part of my life._ He wanted to say. He wanted to say that so bad, but it would have been a lie. Instead, he sat up and made a half hearted attempt to gather his clothes from the stained motel carpet. “I’ve been uh… sticking it to a waitress in Greenwich.”  
“Whoa there, Mr. Locker room talk. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?”  
“I brought her flowers last Monday.” Dan replied defensively. He would have probably laughed, if his cravings weren’t making him irritable and grouchy. Phil sat up too, stared at his hands.  
“Is that all?”  
“Well, you know, the whole YouTube thing has kept me pretty busy…” The Youtube thing. 7 million subscribers, tours in America, Europe and Australia, a book release and promised videos every day. An empire which had grown steadily in the seven years he’d known Phil.  
“Well you should bring her up north sometime. You could spend the weekend with me and Sarah, we could all go to Manchester sometime…”  
“Thanks, but we’re not exactly serious.” He wanted to add that going to Manchester with their girlfriends would seem almost inappropriate, considering their history there. That cold October night when their bodies came together, how right it felt, like a key turning in a lock. That night where Dan felt complete and Phil felt nothing and they both felt so… confused. Suddenly feeling exposed, Dan began dressing quickly. Phil, on the other side of the bed, began to gather his stuff. “Well, I’ll get in touch. See you around.”  
“Actually, Dan, I wanted to talk to you. About Sarah, actually.”  
Phil sat down on the bed, and Dan, sensing a faint importance of what his friend was about to say, sat down next to him.  
“What about Sarah?”  
“I’m going to ask her to marry me.” A pause. Dan let those words sink in. His knees turned to jelly. A cold wind seemed to blow through his stomach, snuffing the small flame of hope that burned brightly there.  
“Oh… congratulations.”  
“I’m marrying her… and I don’t think we should do this anymore.”  
Every nerve in Dan’s body seemed to shut down one by one. The last time he remembered feeling like this was four years ago when Phil decided to leave London and move back up north to be with his parents. How Dan had wandered around the street of London that night, feeling hopeless, smoking cigarette after anxious cigarette before he found temporary solace in the bed of a blond Youtuber with 3 million subscribers and a book release coming soon. Another well kept secret among the YouTube community. Dan swallowed.  
“Why not? You had no problem doing it while you two were dating.”  
“That was different. You don't count.” His voice faltered at the last word, realized what he’d said.  
“I don’t count? And why is that? Because I’m a guy?”  
“Because I don’t love you like I love her.” The words hung in the air, grew stale and heavy. Dan couldn’t look at Phil. There was no way he could respond to that. His heart was beyond broken. He suddenly felt very tired, all he wanted was to go back to his flat and take a shower, basically be anywhere that Phil wasn’t.  
“Well.” He said after a long pause. “I’m very happy for you, congratulations. I’ll see you around.”  
And he got up and left. He didn’t dare look back, but if he had, he would have seen Phil, pathetically half dressed, sitting on that motel bed, his face in his hands.  
Dan didn’t cry. He walked back to his car, then impulsively turned and ran through the dark streets. He didn’t stop until the neon light of the dingy motel lights were far out of sight.  
Dan and Phil, Phil and Dan. Living proof that friends should remain friends and nothing more. It was funny. His followers thought they knew his history so well, his rises and falls on the steady upward path to fame. But not one of them knew about Phil, and Phil was such a large part of his life. For all it had given him, Dan felt a bitter undertone of resentment toward Youtube. Over the years, it was the one constant in his life, the thing that remained the same despite everything that happened. It subconsciously became the thing he equated to Phil’s gradual distancing from him. Phil Lester, who detested the spotlight and kept far from it. Phil Lester, who for some reason just _didn’t_ feel the same way about Dan.  
His legs took him to a 24 hour convenience store. He pushed the door open and blinked at the harsh yellow light and the sharp smell of packaged candy and cleaning supplies. Such a contrast from the muted reds and golds of the motel. He fished some money out of his wallet and handed it to the cashier.  
“Pack of Camels, please.” His voice was raspy, his eyes bloodshot. An older woman standing behind him tapped his shoulder.  
“You look awfully young, you shouldn’t be smoking. It’s bad for your health, you know.”  
He stared at her with dead eyes. Obviously she didn’t know who he was. He pulled his hoodie over his head, stepped outside, lit a cigarette, and began walking back toward his car.  
Some addictions are harder to quit than others.


End file.
